The Unbearable Pressure of Looking Perfect at My Wedding
I wasn’t feeling like writing anything this week because I was too bust having a meltdown sparked by the fact that I feel like I’m gaining weight and only three months away from my wedding. So I figured I’d ruminate on just the immense pressure ~society~ puts on women who are having a wedding.
I’ve long written about my struggles with accepting my body, especially since the pandemic; I’m not going into an office, I don’t go to the gym anymore, I’m not moving around as much, I had been drinking more, I’m nearing 30, I’m on a different SSRI, and all these things combined and I’ve gained about 10lbs. It’s not the end of the world, but as someone who had been tiny for the first 25 years of life, it’s an adjustment. I am still pretty active and eat somewhat healthy, I’ve cut way back on my drinking, so I am healthy — my body is just different.
What really compounded the negative feelings is my wedding looming large this summer, and the pressure to look and feel my best on that day. It’s been feeling like an unbearable burden recently, and I’m in a panic about losing weight before that date.
Throughout the wedding planning process, I like to believe I’ve been pretty relaxed, organized, and level-headed. The question I ask myself most often about things (flowers, décor, cakes, favors, etc.) is “do I actually want this to enjoy my day, or do I just want it for pictures?”
Often, things are just something that looks cool in photos, but adds nothing to the day, says nothing about how much I love my fiancé, about how happy our life together makes me, or contributes nothing to the celebration with everyone I love.
But as always, I’m having a hard time applying that same line of thinking to myself. Of course of course the way my body looks has nothing to do with my wedding or my marriage. I love how I look and feel in my dress, and if my engagement photos are any indication, my photographer is amazing at making me look and feel lovely.
But I am dreading seeing the photos and scouring them for unflattering angles or for me to just not look on camera the way I feel. I’m also terrified that I will try to put that dress on in August and it just won’t zip.
This pressure is a lot to carry around. I know I’m not the only one who feels it, but I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m working on accepting my body, and not thinking about it constantly, worrying about how it looks compared to how I think I look, and how I feel.
I also know that the relentless focus on women’s bodies is ultimately just the patriarchy at work, to keep us tied up worrying about ourselves and how we look, while they steal our rights and stamp out ambition.
Jessica DiFino (who writes a lovely substack called The Unpublishable) posted a perfect thread this week about the Sports Illustrated shoot, where a model shows off her c-section scar:
I’ve been thinking about that a lot, the notion that the most important thing a woman can be is beautiful. It relates to a lot of things, but in my case, yes, there are far more important things than being a perfect bride, and I know that I am much more than just looking beautiful on my wedding day. But it runs so deep it does often feel impossible to escape.
Here are some absolutely unsolicited recommendations:
This Neosporin lip balm is the literal best, way better than say, Laneige, and a fraction of the cost. I always have several.
This tee from Uniqlo is the best. Heavy weight, boxy but a little fitted. $14. I got the rec from Australian Survivor icon Shonee, and am passing it on.